"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything."

__________________________________________

That is the premise i live by,
its a stupid movie quote, i know.
but it works for me.
i have given up trying.
i have stopped trying to be what everyone wants me to be.
and i have begun to just go with the flow.
choose what works for me,
as i go along.

a friend has once told me that i was tyler durden.
in a way, she was right.
and in others, she was wrong.
it's up to everyone else to figure out which is what.

_________________________________________

i am an odd teenager,
i lack an identity crisis.

you know why?
because now, i just don't give a fuck.
i intend on putting as much effort and heart.
into anything i do.
but what happens to it from there.
i could care less.

right now i'm one of those people
that will paint a masterpiece.
and then when i'm done.
burn it.

that's where i am.

________________________________________

i've spent too much time worrying about my love life.
there's that one person, that i'll always wonder about.
and i'm coming to the realization. that i'll only ever get to wonder.
because she doesn't really want it anymore.
she says it, but i know her unlike any other.
and she's losing what she had.
my stupid clairvoyance couldn't see that this would happen.
and yet it could.

whatever.
maybe i've been spending too much of my time toked lately.
i'm going to finish what needs to be done here.
and move on.

_________________________________________

Dom

Send a heartbeat to
The void that cries through you
Relive the pictures that have come to pass
For now we stand alone
The world is lost and blown
And we are flesh and blood disintegrate
With no more to hate

Is it bright where you are
And Have the people changed
Does it make you happy you're so strange
And in your darkest hour
I hold secrets flame
We can watch the world devoured in its pain

Delivered from the blast
The last of a line of lasts
The pale princess of a palace cracked
And now the kingdom comes
Crashing down undone
And I am a master of a nothing place
Of recoil and grace

Is it bright where you are
And Have the people changed
Does it make you happy you're so strange
And in your darkest hour
I hold secrets flame
We can watch the world devoured in its pain

Time has stopped before us
The sky cannot ignore us
No one can separate us
For we are all that is left
The echo bounces off me
The shadow lost beside me
There's no more need to pretend
Cause now I can begin again

Is it bright where you are
And Have the people changed
Does it make you happy you're so strange
And in your darkest hour
I hold secrets flame
We can watch the world devoured in its pain
Strange
Strange
Strange
(strange)
(strange)

By; Smashing Pumpkins

------------------------------------

So, My 18th birthday was february 25th.

and instantly, i have underage girls flocking to me.
all wanting to date me.

where as a month or two before hand.
i didn't even exist.

although one girl does stand out in the crowd.
we won't get into that.

fuck my life.

------------------------------------

other than that, not much has happened.

i actually just spend the last while.
looking through my old journals.
the ones i kept.

and it's funny how your priorities shift so drastically.

_____________________________________________

it sucks, because everyone in my life lately.
has been moving on, without me.
even my best friend, and ex-(whatever we were).
has moved on.
and basically isn't sure if she loves me anymore.

i mean, we were so in love.
but i've gone from thought #1 to barely there at all.
and i know that it's life.
but it still fuckin sucks.
considering that it's happening to me.
with every one of my friends.
simultaneously.

i'm being left behind for whatever life they want to live.
and so be it i guess.
not like i'll really be able to see them all the time.
considering the army and all.

im not even sure if i'd want some of them at my funeral if i die overseas.
because its basically every day that i think about what i've left to do before i go.
and before i die.
and before i leave.

i just don't have enough time really.
not enough at all.

i have no idea why i'm spilling all this crap.
but i need to i guess.
before i just fucking disappear into the nothingness.

whatever tho.

---------------------------------------

Oh, and i finally reached 6000 Views.

woot.

_________________________________________________

Colton.

I know she said it's alright
But you can make it up next time
I know she knows it's not right
There ain't no use in lying
Maybe she thinks I know something
Maybe maybe she thinks its fine
Maybe she knows something I don't
I'm so, I'm so tired, I'm so tired of trying

It seems to me that maybe
It pretty much always means no
So don't tell me you might just let it go
And often times we're lazy
It seems to stand in my way
Cause no one NO not no one
Likes to be let down

I know she loves the sunrise
No longer sees it with her sleeping eyes
And I know that when she said she's gonna try
Well it might not work because of other ties and
I know she usually has some other ties
And I wouldn't want to break 'em, nah, I wouldn't want to break 'em
Maybe she'll help me to untie this but
Until then well, I'm gonna have to lie to you.

It seems to me that maybe
It pretty much always means no
So don't tell me you might just let it go
And often times we're lazy
It seems to stand in my way
Cause no one no not no one
Likes to be let down
It seems to me that maybe
It pretty much always means no
So don't tell me you might just let it go

The harder that you try baby, the further you'll fall
Even with all the money in the whole wide world
Please please please don't pass me
Please please please don't pass me
Please please please don't pass me by

Everything you know about me now baby you gonna have to change
You gonna have to call it by a brand new name
Please please please don't drag me
Please please please don't drag me
Please please please don't drag me down

Just like a tree down by the water baby I shall not move
Even after all the silly things you do
Please please please don't drag me
Please please please don't drag me
Please please please don't drag me down

By; Jack Johnson.
______________________________________________________


so. my finger wasn't broken.
just sprained.
still hurt like a bitch tho.


Ive posted some new stuff.
check it out.
especially the writing.
i wannna know what you think about them.

so. i'm single.
i don't want to be.
but i am.
and every possible/potential.
doesn't work out.

i'm at the point of desperation.
and the funny thing is.
i never... ever. had to work at getting a girlfriend.
never. and now, it's the hardest thing ever.
harder than my senior research paper.

but it's whatever i guess.
i'm meant to be single right now.
i just want to have someone to say goodbye to
when i leave for boot camp.
know what i mean?

__________________
~Colton S. Cairns~
__________________

We've been together since way back when
Sometimes I never want to see you again
But I want you to know, after all these years
You're still the one I want whisperin' in my ear

You're still the one -- I want to talk to in bed
Still the one -- that turns my head
We're still having fun, and you're still the one

I looked at your face every day
But I never saw it 'til I went away
When winter came, I just wanted to go (wanted to go)
Deep in the desert, I longed for the snow

You're still the one -- that makes me laugh
Still the one -- that's my better half
We're still having fun, and you're still the one
You're still the one -- that makes me strong
Still the one -- I want to take along
We're still having fun, and you're still the one (yes you are)

Changing, our love is going gold
Even though we grow old, it grows new

You're still the one -- that I love to touch
Still the one -- and I can't get enough
We're still having fun, and you're still the one

You're still the one -- who can scratch my itch
Still the one -- and I wouldn't switch
We're still having fun, and you're still the one
You are still the one -- that makes me shout
Still the one -- that I dream about
We're still having fun, and you're still the one
You're still the one, yeah still the one
We're still having fun, and you're still the one

"Still The One" ~Orleans~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So, i get back and have like 400 deviations waiting for me. so thats fun.

i also have news that my ex is starting to do drugs.

and my best friend got hurt.

so yeah. i leave, and in two weeks, my world goes to hell.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So Now i have to fly around the country, kick some peoples ass. give my friend a huge hug. stay with her for a while. (i already intended on doing this, just not the kicking ass part, thats new :smile: )

I have to make sure my ex doesn't destroy her life. but apparently she is going to stop, but i'm not entirely sure i believe her. so i have to keep an eye and ear out for that.

and my best guy friend, is completely lost with nothing to do, but feel sorry for himself, because he misses his girl, who he hasn't seen in like over a week. (i know that isn't much, but it is for these two) so he's trying to pass the time. and im gonna help him out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Also, im considering joining the army. and going into military intelligence (oxymoron i know). so there's that.

and senior pictures are tomorrow.

So thats my life.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

oh... btw... WOOT!!! 5k!!

Love
~Dom

Hey you, big star
Tell me, when it's over

Hey you, big mood
Guide me, to shelter
'cause i'm through
When the two
Hits the six
And it's summer (cloud)

Come - shove it, shove it, shove it
Shove - shove it, shove it, shove it
The sun - shove it, shove it, shove it
Aside - shove it aside

I think god is moving its tongue
There's no crowds in the streets, and no sun

(in my own summer)

The shade, is a tool
A device, a saviour
See i try, and look up
To the sky, but my eyes burn (cloud)

Come - shove it, shove it, shove it
Shove - shove it, shove it, shove it
The sun - shove it, shove it, shove it
Aside - shove it aside

Come - shove it, shove it, shove it
Shove - shove it, shove it, shove it
The sun - shove it, shove it, shove it
Aside - shove it aside

I think god is moving its tongue
There's no crowds in the streets, and no sun

In my, own, summer

Come - shove it, shove it, shove it
Shove - shove it, shove it, shove it
The sun - shove it, shove it, shove it
Aside - shove it aside

My Own Summer - Deftones

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So March 16 Marks My 1 Year Mark!!!
Annnnnndddddd
The Other Day I Hit 4K!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So At my school i have quite a few fans of my work, and possibly a couple models...

but i have yet to hear from them, so whatever.
i would like to get my portrait work in.
but its alright.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So the whole deal of my girlfriend cheating on me is over, if you didn't know, im still with her, (not that you guys entirely care but im letting you know anyways) i would like to get my photography outh there more, but i really dont have many ways.

im thinking about applying to a skating magazine. but im not sure if any of them would take me. at all.
considering im only 17, but maybe when i move to Cali or Florida, i will be able to.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'd love to talk more, but i really don't want to bore you with the tiring banter of my life.

"I GOT BLISTERS ON ME FINGERS!!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

With Love
~Cole~ A.K.A. 'SOD'